this is how i've been influenced.

[this is my writing, written some time ago... probably a year or so? if you like this and want to post it somewhere, please let me know and make sure you credit me. suggestions and constructive criticism is greatly appreciated as well since i would love to continue (and finish!) this but don't know how. names are stupid, pay no attention to them as of now (OR give me suggestions for better names!). the boys' character and style were inspired by Richey & Nicky from Manic Street Preachers.]

I’ve been looking into words, just so I’d know what to talk about when with you, but you’re still too intelligent to understand.

-x-x-x

One.

‘Love is...’

I noticed the two words instantly, even before I noticed the notebook that they were scribbled on. I stared at it, until I heard a voice.

“It was on your desk when I came. Isn’t it yours?”

I shook my head promptly, but then noticed the doodles that were definitely mine.

“I mean.. Yeah.. It is.” I said shortly.

My notebook had changed, somehow. It wasn’t just the two small words that were now resting on the cover. It was the whole appearance of it. It seemed much more intimate now.

Later, flipping through it, I found a loose piece of paper.

Two.

‘Life’s too short.’

I really didn’t think anything of it until, one day, after school, I couldn’t find the notebook in my bag.

‘Who is this person?’ I growled in my mind after remembering that there were a few pieces of writing in there that weren’t meant to be seen to anyone else but me.

Three.

“You sure leave your stuff behind a lot.” My deskmate commented. I mumbled a “mmhmm” and quickly picked up the notebook.

‘If you only knew...’

Finding that loose piece of paper, I wanted to growl.

‘I really would like to know.’ I thought as my eyes rested upon the short piece of prose that I had written in the notebook.

It had been about the cruelty of humankind. Not really anything but rambles, as my writings usually were like that.

I looked around the classroom, but couldn’t find anyone who would be interested enough in me to know which notebook I wrote my stories in, let alone have the patience to keep an eye on me and others so that they could steal the notebook. Not one person in my class seemed to fit that description.

Nonetheless, my eyes stayed put when they found James looking at me.

James was more popularly known as Chuck, because that was the only thing his best friend would ever call him.

I considered him and his best friend as kind of an odd pair, maybe a bit off-putting. They looked like they had come straight from the glam rock days. No one ever really talked to them, but that, to me, wasn’t that odd because I was rarely talked to as well and it was nice to know I wasn’t the only one, even if that sounds a little evil.

Still, even when off-putting and odd and whatnot, he couldn’t have been the one.

There just was no reason for him to do something like this.

Four.

“Today starts now.”

I looked straight at him. It was only three people, it was still a bit dusky outside, and it felt cold and alone.

“Is there a reason to this?” I choked out as loud as I could, but the voice still came out too frail and fraught for my liking. It sounded as if I was scared, but there was no real reason to be anything of the sort.

“That’s for you to decide.” Chuck spoke up quietly while looking at Alias.

Alias was a nickname for his best friend, his real name being Allen.

“Okay? That sure helps me a lot.” I snapped and made my way out the classroom.

Five.

“Alias?” I shouted. “Uhm.. Alias?!” My voice grew a bit louder. He stopped and turned around.

“Yeah?”

“What’s this all about?” I asked and, for some reason, immediately felt embarrassed after doing so.

“I’m not quite sure.” I frowned at his answer and was starting to depart from him when he suddenly added, “I’m going to Chuck’s in a bit.”

“Why wasn’t he at school today?”

“Sick,” Alias grinned at me, “or so he says.”

“So can you ask him? To... I don’t know... Either stop or explain before doing it again?” I asked quietly.

“I was kind of thinking that maybe you’d come along?” Alias’ grin grew wider. He looked like the Cheshire Cat when he did that. I stared at him, not finding anything fun in this situation. “It’ll be fine. It’s not like we’re going to do something, or whatever.” I looked down quickly, but could still see his grin getting even wider from the corner of my eye. Or was that just my imagination, because it couldn’t have been humanly possible to smile like that, right?

“It’s the only way to find out...” He added with a kind of a singsong voice. I rolled my eyes.

“Is it far?”

Six.

The first thing I saw when we walked into his room were the books that were placed everywhere you could imagine. It looked like my room.

“A house without books is like a room without windows.” He seemed to notice what I was looking at.

I nodded at the quote and watched Alias sit himself down on the bed, next to Chuck.

“So, why’s she here?” Chuck smiled lightly when looking at Alias.

“She’s a bit pissed, I reckon.” Alias shrugged.

“Did I do something wrong?”

“Just... Wondering what the whole notebook thing is about..” I kept looking at the books. I had started with the ones on the desk and was now reading all the titles of the books on the floor that I could. Chuck stayed quiet.

“Chuck?” I could see Alias nudge him from the corner of my eye, but it didn’t matter. He stayed quiet.

“I guess I should go then.” I muttered after a few minutes of silence.

“No, you can stay.” Alias quickly cut me off.

“And do what?” I snapped, getting more and more annoyed.

“Just.. read, and talk. And other shit like that.” He offered as he stood up. “I’ll be right back.” After he had walked out of the room, I decided to stare at Chuck. He seemed to have the ability to make doing nothing seem interesting.

“You really don’t have to stand there, you know. There’s the floor. Or the bed. Or the chair.” Chuck informed me.

I chose the floor.

“You don’t really talk that much, do you?” I asked him after a while.

“Well, neither do you, as I’ve noticed.” He responded. I only rolled my eyes at that,

“Really though – what’s this all about?”

Chuck shrugged briefly, “I just thought it’d be interesting. Sorry if it scared you or pissed you off or something.”

“Oh... Well... It’s fine, I just didn’t understand why you were doing it...” I trailed off, thinking about the three words he’d written for me today. “What did you mean by today starts now?”

two recipes!

wow, i haven't posted here for so long! i'll try to become more active again ~.~

i made lunch & dessert today, and they both came out amazing

♥

COCONUT - PORK CURRY (that has no curry powder in it!)

To serve four, you will need:

• 500g pork
• salt and black pepper
• 2tbsp oil
• 1 onion
• 3 garlic cloves
• 3-5cm piece of fresh ginger
• 3 red chilli pods (optional, i did not use it)
• 2tbsp soy sauce
• 250ml coconut milk (i used coffee cream (10%) but i’m sure coconut milk makes it even better)
• 2tsp lime or lemon juice
• boiled rice

Dice the pork and heat up the oil in a wok pan or a pot that has a thick bottom. Brown the pork with salt and pepper. Mince the onion, garlic cloves and ginger and add to the pork. Add soy sauce and coconut milk and let simmer over a low heat for an hour.

Serve with boiled rice.

WINTER CAKE

You will need:

• 150g sugar
• 1/2 glass water
• 1tsp cinnamon
• 1/2tsp ground clove (the spice)
• 1/2tsp ground ginger
• 60g butter
• 1 egg
• 1 glass sour cream
• 1tsp vinegar
• 1tsp baking soda
• 2 glasses flour

Chocolate glaze:

• 6tbsp sugar
• 2tbsp unsweetened (baking) cocoa powder
• 3tbsp milk
• 1tbsp butter

Pre-heat the oven to 200C. Brown the sugar with 1/4 glass of water, then add the rest of the water (1/4 glass), the spices and butter. Cool and add the egg, mix. Add sour cream, mix. Add vinegar, baking soda and flour, mix. Pour into a round cake pan and bake in the over for 35-40 minutes (ATTENTION! i only baked it for 25 minutes so make sure to check on the cake often).

For the chocolate, mix the ingredients together in a saucepan and heat for five minutes. Pour on the cake while it’s still warm.

Letters

[the story. this is written by me, Maarja A, and even though i doubt many will actually see this, then please: do not use without credit to this site; do not re-post as your own; if you want to use then please ask my permission. also, please excuse my little knowledge for the daily life and use of language during the time.]

May 13, 1875

Dearest Reuben,

I'm writing to let you know that my health is still fluctuating. I wanted to thank you for writing to me and caring about this issue. Please know that all you've done to help me is greatly appreciated, as there are few kind people left in my life. Ever since the truth came out, our family and myself have been shunned by our relatives and now former friends. It came to me as a surprise since people have always taken notice of my opinion and our family has always gotten many thank-you-notes for our generosity, but I guess that is how small-minded people really are in today's society - unable to understand that people who help others are just people as well.

Nevertheless my situation, I still try to stay positive and enjoy life as much as possible before my doctor arrives - he shall be here from the beginning of September. I can only hope he won't distract my studies.

It has been especially warm and sunny here, and it is only May! The countryside is as beautiful as ever, and I've visited many of our lands with my horses thanks to this. I wish to invite you and your family to join us! I will be writing to Sophie as well, so make sure to discuss these plans with her. In any case, whenever your visit, the hoses await for you to return.

Please give all my best to your parents and siblings,

Your dear friend,

Henriette

May 13, 1875

Dear Sophie,

How have you been? I've been missing your companion recently. As you know, I have been the main subject of Driffield recently, and to be quite honest, then it is wearing me out. It saddens me to see all my former friends turning against me, especially as I'm to be hold responsible for it happening. We are taught to love each other and to forgive, but I still feel as if them not being on speaking terms with me is my fault. I've made them sin by sinning and I will forever feel guilty because of this.

Anyhow, enough on the subject. If I want to hear about this I might as well just go to town. I hope you and your family are well. It has been incredibly warm around her recently, and I wish to invite you all here! Please take notice that I'm also sending a letter to your brother, so make sure to discuss this with him.

Also, how has it been between you and James? My parents are still smitten by him and all he's accomplished. The last time I had a conversation with them, they said they are truly happy for you. My mother won't stop saying she needs to find someone like him for me. I have to agree with all they've said. he truly seems like a gentleman. To be quite honest, I think he is the one for you. Remember you said you wanted someone with travel memoirs and a sense of humour? I still laugh every time I think of all the stories he told us about France. I hope everything is going well between you and him.

Please give my best to your family and let them know they've been invited,

Your true friend for always,

Henriette

May 23, 1875

Dear Katherine,

How have you been? I hope you've heard your daughter has invited us to the countryside, otherwise she'll be putting both our families in an embarrassing situation with half of the household not knowing about our visit. We should arrive on June 15, just in time for evening tea. I hope it is alright for us to be visiting, knowing about your daughter's condition.

To be honest, I cannot imagine what you must be going through at this very moment, but I believe you're in desperate need of nonjudgmental companionship. May-be our arrival will help rise your family's reputation. In any case, be sure that we are not coming to cause more trouble. I hope your daughter can understand how lucky she is to have found a friend in Sophie who has no place for cruel thoughts in her mind and who has been preparing many get-well packages for your daughter.

Speaking of Sophie, you are all invited to her wedding on August 30. I cannot describe how pleased I was when my husband told me about James coming to see him to ask for Sophie's hand in marriage. She is very excited as well and is going to give you the invitations in person.

All the best to you and Mr. Hemingsworth,

Your long-time friend,

Charlotte

May 23, 1875

Dearest Henriette,

Thank you for your letter! It brings me happiness to know you are well enough to write again. In this small package, you will find some handicraft by me and the finest tea I could find in London. Mother says I shan't waste money like this but my mind was set on it and I refused to give in to her. I hope you enjoy all you find here.

I've been very well, thank you for asking. My date of marriage has been set for August 30, and I of course wish for you to be my maid of honour. We can discuss the details when I arrive in Sledmere, which should be on June 15.

I cannot describe how happy I am at the moment, my dear Henriette. James seems so nice, and what a lovely house he has! I cannot wait to show it to you. I am very happy to know you and the rest of your family approve of him as much as you do - it really means a lot to me to know you find him a proper gentleman.

Please be well,

Your true friend for always,

Sophie

June 2, 1875

Doctor Harvey,

This is Katherine Hemingsworth. I am writing to ask for your advice once more. My daughter's childhood friend is getting married and asked my daughter, Henriette, to be her maid of honour. This of course means she'll be going to London to help them organise everything for the wedding. All would be well if I wasn't worried about her health. Please let me know your opinion as soon as possible, for my daughter is to leave sometime in June.

Thank you in advance,

Mrs. Katherine Hemingsworth

June 2, 1875

Dear Charlotte,

I wish to congratulate you, Mr. Bryant and the rest of your family on this happy occasion! Your daughter deserves the best and it looks as if James really is the one for her.

I await for your arrival,

Your long-time friend,

Katherine

June 2, 1875

Dear Sophie,

Thank you for the package! The herbal tea you sent me is delicious. I drink it once a week, on Saturdays. I also appreciate the doilies you crocheted - they truly are like masterpieces!

Congratulations to you and James! I would love to be your maid of honour, but I have to await for the doctor's approval. Mother said he would answer sometimes in June. I hope he approves, as I cannot imagine not attending my truest friend's wedding.

To be quite honest, I still cannot believe you're getting married! You're only two years older than me, yet you already have a groom. I hope to get some luck from you when we meet again, because I really have to find someone soon.

I'll be awaiting for your arrival,

Your friend for always,

Henriette

June 15, 1875

Mrs. Hemingsworth,

It is incredible how dedicated you are to your daughter and I hope she realises this as well. As for the trip: it might do her good to be in a different scenery for a while. If she is the least bit appropriate, she will try not to make the household worry about her and might try to recover on her own.

Always at your service,

Doctor Lucian Harvey

July 1, 1875

Dearest father and mother,

I am now in London where it is even hotter than in Yorkshire. The wedding preparations are going well. It has been hectic but very exciting and fun. Just like all the Bryants assured, Sir James Hunter's house is lovely and quite big when compared to other houses in London. I already told Sophie that at least that they won't have to move in the future.

Please know I am well. The Bryants are very discreet even here, at their own house, for which I must be forever grateful. I do not know any statistics on myself at the moment, for they won't let me use the scale, even with someone else around, but they're encouraging me every day, just like you both do at home. It is pleasant to find someone who cares this much after all I've been through in Driffield.

Mother, like you asked, I will write to the doctor today as well and ask if he is free to see me sometime before the wedding.

I hope you both are well. Please give my best to Eleonore, Eaton and Hedwig as well.

Henriette

July 1, 1875

Doctor Harvey,

This is Henriette Hemingsworth. I am writing to ask if you have time for an appointment sometime in July as I am in London at the moment. I know you will be joining us to take full care of me in September, but my parents wished for you to keep an eye on me. If you have time, please respond to this letter.

Thank you in advance,

Ms. Henriette Hemingsworth

July 15, 1875

Ms. Hemingsworth,

It is good to hear from you. I am pleased to find you are taking this seriously as well. Unfortunately I do not have any free appointments at this time.

Instead, I advise you to try and eat as normally as possible. Make sure you get a lot of vegetables and fruit for they are not available during winter and because of that we must gather as much from them as possible. Also, eat meat or fish at least once a day and go for walks as much as possible. From what I've gathered from your mother, you are busy at the moment, but your healthy must not be forgotten.

Take care,

Doctor Lucian Harvey

stuck between two opposite sides of failure.

my mind is split in two. on one side, there's the healthy thoughts, the need to get better. on the other side, though, there's the ever-growing need to succeed in self-destruction.

i've written this so many times already, to people i know (online) and to my own journals. whenever i begin defining the meaning of failure, the short paragraph above finds its way in.

it's true, i suppose.

i am opening up journals and notebooks i haven't touched in a while. this is why there's so many short, odd posts on here today. this has become my only safe place, the place where i can post my visions of my life. my true life.

i feel as if i'm someone on MTV's True Life. i actually like that series - some episodes of it, anyway.

yes. this is my true life.

what is it, though?

my life, that is.

my true life.

the reason i feel especially stuck today is because i'm opening up journals and notebooks i haven't touched in a while, like i previously mentioned, and i'm seeing contradictory writings.

throughout my issues, i've contradicted myself.

i opened up a journal that's been through many changes.

the first page has New Year's Resolutions for the Year 2009:

STOP. Look at what you're doing. It may seem hard right now, but one day, you'll be strong enough to stop your self-destructive behaviour. Move towards that day, not away from it.

THINK. It goes deeper than food. Think and find the real reason for your behaviour. Once you've found it, you can take care of this problem.

PRAY. God is there for you. He is always there - in the good times and in the bad times. pray to Him, ask for His help, and He will help you.

LISTEN. The others are just trying to help you. They know what you're going through - take their advice. It's as hard for them as it is for you. They know all those feelings. Don't pusk them away.

TELL. Don't over-worry. They will believe you. You have to tell them because if you don't it'll only get worse. Tell and get help!

pages two to nine and seventeen to twenty consist of (food) diaries, the constant fight between the two sides of my mind. there are the numbers, the calories consumed and burned. there are the contradictory diary entries about not trying hard enough, yet wanting parents to find out so i wouldn't have to tell them myself. there are the Bible verses at the end of each day's entry.

God says, "Things are going to get worse before they get better. But don't worry. I'll keep you alive through the whole business."

Jeremiah 45:4-5

My counsel is this: Live freely, animated and motivated by God's Spirit. They you won't feed the compulsions of selfishness. Choose to be led by the Spirit and so escape the erratic compulsions of a law-dominated existence.

Galatians 5:16,18

David told God: "I'd rather be punished by God, whose mercy is great.

2Samuel 24:14

God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.

Psalm 46:1

When I kept it all inside, my bones turned to powder, my words became daylong groans. The pressure never let up; All the juices in my life dried up.

Psalm 32:3-4

pages ten to sixteen are filled with to-do lists: places to visit, places i have visited, concerts to visit, things to do.

pages twenty-one to thirty-two are devoted to songs written about eating disorders or songs that can be read as ED-songs (when you try, it's almost every love song, really): Coldplay, Morcheeba, Smashing Pumpkins, Metallica, Sonic Youth, Avril Lavigne, Depece Mode, Shampoo, Filter, Lisa Loeb, The Carpenters, Alanis Morissette, Fiona Apple, Animotion, Eels.

there's an iPod shuffle survey on pages thirty-three to thirty-five.

there's a list of one hundred things to know about women on pages thirty-seven to fourty-six; little hearts next to some numbers show my agreement.

there are gives me hope stories on pages fourty-six to fourty-seven. i love gives me hope stories.

there are eight most satisfying simple pleasures life has to offer on pages fourty-eight to fourty-nine; little hearts next to some numbers show i've had the opportunity to experience such and such pleasure.

finally, pages fifty to fifty-seven are once again devoted to my issues. i started a story i haven't followed through with (yet). it's a story of a girl in the 19th century who falls ill when she refuses to eat. the story consists of hand-written letters sent back and forth between the girl, her friends and family. there are eleven quite short letters, sent between Reuben, Henriette Hemingsworth, Sophie, Katherine (Henriette's mother), Charlotte (Reuben's & Sophie's mother) and Doctor Lucian Harvey. this post is a bit too long already so i'll refrain from posting the existing story to this post. perhaps the next one?

there are no more entries in this journal.

this journal describes my situation near-perfectly: there are two sides of me within me.

the reason i've failed both those sides?

reason number one: it was december 2008 when i wanted tell someone. i still haven't told anyone. i've made a promise to God, to Lisette, to other people that i'll tell someone, yet i haven't.

reason number two: it was december 2008 when i decided on my (unhealthy, self-destructive) goal. after two years, i haven't even reached that (permanently, that is), let alone my new goal.

do the math.

[this was found in my last year's math notebook; written sometime last year, quite obviously, and inspired by Manic Street Preachers' "She bathed herself in a bath of bleach"]

she'd walk on broken glass for love.

no matter what the others said - she knew he could change. he would change, she told herself every single day, trying hard to believe it, knowing deep inside that in reality, he never would.

her subconscious was right. he never did.

when, one morning, she finally seemed to wake from her utopia, it was too late. there was no one to turn to anymore, nowhere to go to get help.

she was stuck, alone in a mess her fantasies had created.

all she wanted was to get away. all she wanted was a new chance at life.

it was too late for her now.

she had already pushed away the chair wobbling beneath her feet.

untouched journals.

[this is what happens when you open a journal you haven't touched in more than a month]

every single time you see her fragile body, you cringe:

her arms;

wrists;

collarbones;

thighs that are miles away from touching;

sunken cheeks and eyes;

everything looks like a symbol of death. it's as if the myth of vampires, of the undead is true, only in this case, eating is prohibited.

every single time you see her, you wonder how she's still alive. she looks like an old person on the verge of a collapse or a heart attack while in reality, she is still in her teens. she should be enjoying herself, going out with friends, laughing, but these things are far from her reality, which consists of tears, screaming, wasting away, constant calculations and arguing with oneself.

every single time to see her, you try to guess how much time she has left to be in this world. as her condition deteriorates, the number of days in your head decreases:

half a year;

three months;

a month;

a fortnight;

any day now.

she could be gone any day now, but this is not your biggest concern.

every single time you see her, you wonder how many days and pounds until you look as lovely and fragile as she does.

just another sleepy day...

this is what i enjoyed most about today:

✮ writing an essay - the topics sucked and i am not that happy about the outcome (i chose "A person between choices" as my topic and wrote a very... politically correct essay on why regular people should not be putting politicians down because if they were given the power then they'd mess up sometimes again... all this while being one of the people not interested in politics at all and the one to diss politicians a lot... lol), but i always like writing

✮ hematogen - bought it again today! so yummy~

✮ pickled cucumber - made macaroni salad with it

✮ philosophy test went well - A/B, hopefully?

✮ sleep - as the title says, this has been a very sleepy day and i'm happy to be home now so i can once go to sleep at a normal time (it's 9pm; i already slept two hours, though, from 6 to 8pm)

one morning, the wind will take you with him...

i feel this odd hurt growing inside me. perhaps i'm slow, perhaps it's the grief.

i keep telling myself i have no reason, no right at all, to feel this grief. i keep telling myself i didn't know her so i should just stop thinking and talking about her and let her be in peace. it doesn't matter others talk, write, think about her, feel her presence, because they should - she knew them personally. i met her once or twice, i was the friend's friend, i was the six-years-younger-cousin her friend, for some reason, got to so well along with.

but every time i write the word well, whichever meaning it has at the time, i think about her and the cold, cold water.

maybe i am slow. maybe i am just now understanding what kind of loss people are experiencing. this bright mind, they say. why this bright mind have to go, why her, who had so many opportunities ahead of her? they ask. maybe i am fully taking it in now.

i can't help but feel inconsiderate because of this.

i want to call my best friend but i'm afraid. i don't know how to talk to her, haven't known how in quite a long time already, but now, especially. what do i say? i keep on wondering what i should talk to her about. i want to ask her if she's going to the wake, but i'm worried she'll somehow take it the wrong way (which way is the wrong way? i'm not too sure, yet i'm still worried).

one morning,

the wind

will take you with him,

to the shore,

where you'll everyday

see the sun.

a look to the world,

the ones who remained of you,

on the two sides of the road,

are still there.

one dawn,

the wind

will take with him the ones

who have waited all night long...

[translation of "Maantee" by Dagö]

i hope she's happy.

what I love today...

everything's boiling over right now. there's so much to do. i was ill last week and now have three tests to re-do while studying for other tests, while trying to read Balzac's "Father Goriot", while trying to write my year paper, while trying to get myself healthy again. we have this big event with our choir on February 15, we have to sing to see where we qualify in the upcoming Singing Festival (my first time at the Singing Festival! going to be awesome ~.~) and i have a fucking cough so i have to study at home when i'm better because clearly i could not go to practice today. i have to watch a movie for sociology with three other people and somehow manage to write a 15-page analysis with those three people (they're awesome, but a joint analysis? how is this going to work out?). i have an oral philosophy exam next Friday.

this is exactly why i need a list of what i appreciate today. i need a fucking list to show me why i want to be alive because everything's blowing up in my face and if i do not make a stupid list then i'll continue on being miserable. so i'm making a list.

things i loved today:

✮ it's still really pretty outside, with all the snow ~.~

✮ i'm getting healthier - no more fever of 102!

✮ hematogen ❤ it's a sweet/candy bar, one of its ingredients is processed animal blood which is good when your hemoglobin level is low (mine's 100, when 115-150 is the normal range for women;; the candy bar's good anyway, the fact that it improves my health is just a bonus, haha)

✮ philosophy - as difficult as it is, then i love it (and our teacher's great ~.~)

✮ i am alive - i've been hearing of accidents lately (mainly one where a 22-year-old my school graduate and my best friend's friend (they went to the same class and she's the one who she was the most close with) fell down an unclosed well last Wednesday... RIP) and this makes me appreciate life a lot more.

SPEAK UP

~English contest~

some people have no brain sometimes.

seriously.

you tell me ONE week in advance that i can go to a contest and expect me to be all, "Oh, yeah, i'd love to! i have no life, anyway, so i may as well go!"?

you really think i'm like that?

NO! i'm NOT. definitely not in high school and definitely not this year when i'm doing a hundred things a week.

next week's Friday is January 28. i'm going to a big project meeting on January 28. i decided on January 17 that i would go, because there was no reason not to. and then you send me a e-mail on January 21.

why?

i would really, really love to go to the contest. really, i would, but now i do not know what to do!

i'm going to ask my teacher tomorrow if 11th grade's first place would open some chances for me. if not, then i'm not going this year.

back with loads of philosophy ~.~

wow! i haven't posted here for so long!

the reason i started again is because i needed a place where i could openly talk about the things that bother me about myself. this is a place where i can talk about my health because there are people i know from school that are following my tumblr and reading my livejournal.

of course i'll try to post positive things here as well! don't worry, it will not be all negative.

i have philosophy at the moment. Middle age philosophy. Christian philosophy. I CAN UNDERSTAND SOMETHING!!! yay xD

we're talking about Aquino Thomas at the moment, and he believed in something very true, something i also need to start believing in:

During the time the person lives on Earth, s/he is a combination of soul and body. Soul and body cannot be separated during life on Earth. The soul can exist after the body's death, but the soul does need the body to be able to live on Earth.

there is no other way, it is not possible. we cannot sense this world if we do not have a body. every person needs a body, including me.

i just need to start believing in this one hundred percent.

what i loved today.

✮ it's still so warm outside! =)

✮ Criminal Minds

✮ finding out i got an A in Math!

✮ one of the songs we're singing in our choir

✮ photography

✮ candypop -- i want everything from that site!!

who am i?

as i'm a fairly new blogger (and no one comes on my blog), then i thought i'd let people who manage to find this blog know a bit about myself.

so who am i?

most importantly, i'm a human being. two arms, two legs, 10 fingers, 10 toes, a head, a brain (hopefully), and all that. i'm a human girl, no matter how much i'd like to be someone else.

i'm a child. i think i'll always stay a child. i don't ever want to grow up. i always want to stay like this, amazed by the world and it's tiny and big wonders.

i'm Maarja. i've recently taken a liking towards my name more than i did before. maybe it's because people who don't live in Estonia and who don't actually use this name still call me by it. it makes me feel like i don't have to change who i am when i leave the country/talk to someone online.

i'm an age - 17 years, 1 month, 13 days and about 6 hours ago, i was born.

i'm a name - i was named after the Virgin Mary, as both my parents are Christians and Maarja is the equivalent of Mariah/Maria/Mary in Estonia.

i'm a student, and i actually love it! the school i go to is amazing (no matter what i write on here about the lit teacher... she is an exception).

i'm a friend, hopefully a good one.

i'm a daughter, and it's amazing to think that i've been taken care of since i was born by my parents. they've done so much, it's amazing.

i'm a daydreamer. i think i wrote in my first post that i love make-believe. it's fun. i make up stories, and then think them through while portraying different characters' point of view. (i do it alone, of course...)

i'm fragile, and i break easily. whilst this is not a good thing to be, then i'd rather be this than someone cold and harsh, who has made herself numb to all the pain, because if i was that, then i wouldn't feel joy, either, and i cannot live like that. life would be empty if i were like that.

i'm a thinker. i think and i think and i think, and then, maybe, i say it out loud. maybe this is another one of my flaws, but i'd rather be this than a person who says everything that she wants to, because i believe i save myself from a lot of trouble when not being like that.

i'm a writer. a developing one, but still. i'm a writer, and i'm desperately trying to rid myself of my writer's block.

i'm a reader. i just finished "I, Coriander" by Sally Gardner. go read it! it's amazing.

i'm depressed. i put on a happy face every single day, and sometimes i actually do feel happy, because telling everyone else you're happy actually makes you a bit happier. if you smile, then you become a bit happier, whether you like it or not. but yes, i have a problem, and i'm trying to fight to become free.

i'm lonely. so, so lonely sometimes, but i know i have people who care about me. (i hope)

i'm weak, and yet i'm strong. we all are a little bit of both. we're not meant to be perfect, we're meant to be human. it doesn't matter than i'm weak at running, because i'm never going to strive to be an athlete. what does matter, though, is that i love languages and am good at linguistics. what does it matter if i have a D in PE? it's just a letter of the alphabet. i'm going to try as hard as i can, and that's all i can do. not all people were made to be super-runners.

i'm confused. about life, about myself, about my friends, about my future... i'm just a very confused person.

i'm silly, especially when i'm hyper.

i'm crazy. i talk gibberish sometimes, and lose my thought the next second.

i'm cute.

i'm simple. i do not strive to be this super-rich and amazing princess. it would be lovely, but since it's not happening, then i'm going to stick to being myself, even if i am a bit simple, a bit boring sometimes.

i'm loving.

and the last thing? the one thing that people do tell me but what i have a hard time trying to believe myself?

i am beautiful.

i know i am.

i just need to know and believe in this more often.

what about you? who are you?

bye for a few days.

i'm going to another town in Estonia this weekend (today after school), and i probably won't be able to update my blog as i'm not taking my laptop with me, and i'm not sure if my best friend gives me the time to update on her laptop, hehe.

but i'm really excited, because there is this museum night tomorrow (Sat), which means we'll get into museums for free!

the thing, though, is that it only lasts for four hours, and we always look around for such a long time, so idk how many we'll get to visit, but i guess we'll see ;)

also, we're thinking of starting going to (cheaper) museums in the morning or afternoon, because we're not totally out of money... yet xD

i'll be back by Sunday evening ;)

also! i called the café where i want to work, and sent them an e-mail with my CV... fingers crossed!

(also sent it to two other cafés; the thing is that i only have one recommender, because i did it at home and couldn't really ask anyone, either... besides my aunt, because she has a different surname, haha)

what i loved today.

✮ it was amazing outside today!! so sunny and warm ♥ i spent my afternoon outside in my bikini & shorts, taking photos and playing with my little brother ~.~

✮ finding out i got an A in English

✮ drinking smoothies

✮ watching ANTM & Without a Trace

✮ old Russian & Japanese cartoons (Penguin Lolo!)

mori girls.

mori means 'forest' in Japanese, and mori girls are forest girl or fairy-like.

it's one of my favourite fashion styles from Japan (the other one being lolita), so i thought it'd be cute to post some photos.

|mori girl|oh yeah mori girl|morigirls|

what i loved today.

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✮ it was so warm and sunny today! ♥

✮ i did pretty good on my Literature test -- let's hope for a good grade!!

✮ getting to teach some of the students in my class math -- it may be a bit annoying and time-consuming, but in the end, i feel happy if i can actually help someone understand something ~.~ even if it's something as nerdy and useless as math

✮ feeling like i did a good job on the essay i wrote -- you can read it in the previous post (the translation came out kind of crap though xD so i'm sorry if it seems like some pointless text; it was better in Estonian... gah)

✮these lovely photos:

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✮ Ultraviolet by Alexz Johnson

Love - Strength or weakness?

Nietzsche, a theoretic of psychological egoism, has said, that love and compassion are weakness - the reason for all things evil; in his opinion, the person who survives others' compassion and spends his life in loneliness is the strong one.

Even though Nietzsche didn't grow up in an abusive family (especially if you count the fact that his father was a pastor), then I believe that the way people understand love has a strong link between how they were raised. It's pretty understandable when a person, who grew up in an abusive family, thinks of love as either a weakness or something that can me manipulated so that they could benefit from it. On the other hand, when a person has been raised in a family where the norms are more similar to today's ethical norms, then it's logical when he doesn't see love as a weak quality.

That, though, raises a question: why do so many people, who have grown up in a loving family, think of love as a bad thing? Why do many, who come from abusive families, think of it as something that gives them strength and makes them stronger?

Maybe the reason is that people are made to care about each other - otherwise, we wouldn't have survived, we wouldn't be reproducing if it wasn't for this. Of course there are people who cannot feel feelings like this, but the majority of human kind is still the ones who aren't socio- or psychopaths. Because of the same reason that people are made to care, they're also made to hope. We need to be hopeful that somebody loves us, that there is someone who wants to live the rest of their life with us. We need to know that even when the people around us are "bad" or "evil" at the moment, that even though they're making the wrong decisions at the moment, then they have the opportunity to change and re-start their lives. Maybe that's the reason why so many people who have had to go through a lot during growing up are still positive about love. They hope that their parent(s) will change, and even if that doesn't happen, then they think of their future, and how they're going to make the right decisions.

This, though, doesn't explain why some who come from loving families feel disgust towards love. One of the reasons may be that they feel as if people are suffocating them, rather than doing good. They might not want constant intimacy. People are different - some want to feel like they belong constantly, and because of that, try to make others feel the same as well. The people different from those, though, do not care that much for hanging out with others and they might not like when people are always around them, because they might not have enough time for themselves.

Analyzing all of this, it's still hard to say what love is - is it something that's supposed to help and console us, or is it something that will bring us down and make us notice others, when our goal should be to satisfy ourselves and grant our own wishes?

I'd like to approach love in a rather different way: in my opinion, the reason that we need love is what is a sign of weakness, not the feeling itself. If we're not in a relationship, then we're always trying to find reasons to pity ourselves: "Oh, poor, little me, Ī have no one to spend my days with. I have no one who loves me." On the other hand, if we are in a relationship, which is good and working, then we feel strong and positive. That is the reason why we shouldn't see love as a weakness, but as something that gives us the power to make important things happen.

Love, like everything, can still only be good when approached reasonably and rationally. If you approach it from a logical point of view, being understanding that a relationship is only possible when the one you're in love with feels the same way, then love can be one of the strongest and most positive feelings ever. A problem, though, might appear when people don't understand that: one possibility is that people start to pity themselves and that, inevitably, makes them weak. Another possibility is the feeling of anger, and if the person feeling it ceases to understand that s/he'll probably have more people to fall in love with in the future, then the anger towards love might grow even stronger. In extreme cases, the rejected person may try to regain the strength and power s/he had before, when s/he was still in love, and start to make decisions about his/her loved one's life. This, though, doesn't really help him/her regain the control; actually, it'll be even a bigger loss of it, because it won't end well and they won't get love back when doing this, anyway.

Even the Bible says that love is as strong as death; it also says that love is like a flame. These two comparisons help us realize even better, that love can be strong and invincible, but at the same time, if you cross the line, it may be very dangerous, destructive and strip the person of all of the power and strength s/he had. This is why people should stay within normalcy, and not go to extremes, because both loving love too much and hating love too much are harmful.

i'm a sleepyhead.

some songs for sleepy and lazy mornings/evenings ♥

♫ Sweet child o'mine - Taken by Trees

♫ Hide and Seek - Imogen Heap

♫ Must be dreaming - Frou Frou

♫ Traffic Light - The Ting Tings

♫ Headlock - Imogen Heap

♫ A&E - Goldfrapp

♫ Guns and Horses - Ellie Goulding

♫ In these arms - The Swell Season

♫ Almost Lover - A Fine Frenzy

♫ Starry Eyed - Ellie Goulding

♫ Near to you - A Fine Frenzy

♫ Your ex-lover is dead - Stars

♫ The Writer - Ellie Goulding

♫ Whisper - A Fine Frenzy

♫ Sound of Silence - Simon & Garfunkel

♫ Automation - Desireé Duvringe

♫ Silver Strand - The Corrs

♫ Hoppípolla - Sigur Rós

♫ Saeglópur - Sigur Rós

♫ Glósóli - Sigur Rós

♫ When you say nothing at all - Ronan Keating

♫ Borrowed Heaven - The Corrs

♫ Don't Panic - Coldplay

♫ Breathe Me - Sia

♫ Genius next door - Regina Spektor

♫ Blue Lips - Regina Spektor

♫ Wild World - Cat Stevens

♫ Needs - Collective Soul

♫ Strawberry fields forever - The Beatles

♫ In the cold light of morning - Placebo

♫ Across the Universe - The Beatles

♫ Hey Jude - The Beatles

♫ Machines - Biffy Clyro

♫ Centrefolds - Placebo

♫ Looking back on today - The Ataris

♫ Kuroi Namida - Tsuchiya Anna

♫ Glitter in the air - P!nk

♫ Fireflies - Owl City

♫ Oborozukiyo~Inori - Nakashima Mika

♫ Sakurairo maukoro - Nakashima Mika

♫ Time to be your 21 - Alexz Johnson

♫ Beautiful Love - The Afters

♫ Something of an end - My Brightest Diamond

♫ Gone Away - My Brightest Diamond

♫ You're tender and you're tired - Manic Street Preachers

♫ Nobody loved you - Manic Street Preachers

♫ The Everlasting - Manic Street Preachers

♫ Dragonfly - My Brightest Diamond

♫ You came to me - Beach House

♫My manic and I - Laura Marling

♫ Night Terror - Laura Marling

♫ Other side of the world - KT Tunstall

♫ Strangers - The Kinks

♫ If you were a sailboat - Katie Melua

♫ In my secret life - Katie Melua

♫ Sweet Dreams - Wakeshima Kanon

♫ Shiroi Kokoro - Wakeshima Kanon

♫ Oh my love - John Lennon

♫ Hallelujah - Jeff Buckley

|none of these photos are mine. they were all found on whi.|

♫ Flightless Bird, American Mouth - Iron & Wine

♫ Boy with a coin - Iron & Wine

♫ Carousel - Iron & Wine

♫ High - James Blunt