Saturday, February 5, 2011

stuck between two opposite sides of failure.

my mind is split in two. on one side, there's the healthy thoughts, the need to get better. on the other side, though, there's the ever-growing need to succeed in self-destruction.

i've written this so many times already, to people i know (online) and to my own journals. whenever i begin defining the meaning of failure, the short paragraph above finds its way in.
it's true, i suppose.

i am opening up journals and notebooks i haven't touched in a while. this is why there's so many short, odd posts on here today. this has become my only safe place, the place where i can post my visions of my life. my true life.

i feel as if i'm someone on MTV's True Life. i actually like that series - some episodes of it, anyway.

yes. this is my true life.
what is it, though?
my life, that is.
my true life.

the reason i feel especially stuck today is because i'm opening up journals and notebooks i haven't touched in a while, like i previously mentioned, and i'm seeing contradictory writings.

throughout my issues, i've contradicted myself.

i opened up a journal that's been through many changes.

the first page has New Year's Resolutions for the Year 2009:
STOP. Look at what you're doing. It may seem hard right now, but one day, you'll be strong enough to stop your self-destructive behaviour. Move towards that day, not away from it.
THINK. It goes deeper than food. Think and find the real reason for your behaviour. Once you've found it, you can take care of this problem.
PRAY. God is there for you. He is always there - in the good times and in the bad times. pray to Him, ask for His help, and He will help you.
LISTEN. The others are just trying to help you. They know what you're going through - take their advice. It's as hard for them as it is for you. They know all those feelings. Don't pusk them away.
TELL. Don't over-worry. They will believe you. You have to tell them because if you don't it'll only get worse. Tell and get help!

pages two to nine and seventeen to twenty consist of (food) diaries, the constant fight between the two sides of my mind. there are the numbers, the calories consumed and burned. there are the contradictory diary entries about not trying hard enough, yet wanting parents to find out so i wouldn't have to tell them myself. there are the Bible verses at the end of each day's entry.

God says, "Things are going to get worse before they get better. But don't worry. I'll keep you alive through the whole business."
Jeremiah 45:4-5

My counsel is this: Live freely, animated and motivated by God's Spirit. They you won't feed the compulsions of selfishness. Choose to be led by the Spirit and so escape the erratic compulsions of a law-dominated existence.
Galatians 5:16,18

David told God: "I'd rather be punished by God, whose mercy is great.
2Samuel 24:14

God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.
Psalm 46:1

When I kept it all inside, my bones turned to powder, my words became daylong groans. The pressure never let up; All the juices in my life dried up.
Psalm 32:3-4

pages ten to sixteen are filled with to-do lists: places to visit, places i have visited, concerts to visit, things to do.

pages twenty-one to thirty-two are devoted to songs written about eating disorders or songs that can be read as ED-songs (when you try, it's almost every love song, really): Coldplay, Morcheeba, Smashing Pumpkins, Metallica, Sonic Youth, Avril Lavigne, Depece Mode, Shampoo, Filter, Lisa Loeb, The Carpenters, Alanis Morissette, Fiona Apple, Animotion, Eels.

there's an iPod shuffle survey on pages thirty-three to thirty-five.

there's a list of one hundred things to know about women on pages thirty-seven to fourty-six; little hearts next to some numbers show my agreement.

there are gives me hope stories on pages fourty-six to fourty-seven. i love gives me hope stories.

there are eight most satisfying simple pleasures life has to offer on pages fourty-eight to fourty-nine; little hearts next to some numbers show i've had the opportunity to experience such and such pleasure.

finally, pages fifty to fifty-seven are once again devoted to my issues. i started a story i haven't followed through with (yet). it's a story of a girl in the 19th century who falls ill when she refuses to eat. the story consists of hand-written letters sent back and forth between the girl, her friends and family. there are eleven quite short letters, sent between Reuben, Henriette Hemingsworth, Sophie, Katherine (Henriette's mother), Charlotte (Reuben's & Sophie's mother) and Doctor Lucian Harvey. this post is a bit too long already so i'll refrain from posting the existing story to this post. perhaps the next one?

there are no more entries in this journal.

this journal describes my situation near-perfectly: there are two sides of me within me.
the reason i've failed both those sides?
reason number one: it was december 2008 when i wanted tell someone. i still haven't told anyone. i've made a promise to God, to Lisette, to other people that i'll tell someone, yet i haven't.
reason number two: it was december 2008 when i decided on my (unhealthy, self-destructive) goal. after two years, i haven't even reached that (permanently, that is), let alone my new goal.

No comments:

Post a Comment