Monday, May 17, 2010

what i loved today.

it's still so warm outside! =)
✮ Criminal Minds
✮ finding out i got an A in Math!
✮ one of the songs we're singing in our choir
✮ photography
candypop -- i want everything from that site!!

Sunday, May 16, 2010

who am i?

as i'm a fairly new blogger (and no one comes on my blog), then i thought i'd let people who manage to find this blog know a bit about myself.

so who am i?

most importantly, i'm a human being. two arms, two legs, 10 fingers, 10 toes, a head, a brain (hopefully), and all that. i'm a human girl, no matter how much i'd like to be someone else.
i'm a child. i think i'll always stay a child. i don't ever want to grow up. i always want to stay like this, amazed by the world and it's tiny and big wonders.
i'm Maarja. i've recently taken a liking towards my name more than i did before. maybe it's because people who don't live in Estonia and who don't actually use this name still call me by it. it makes me feel like i don't have to change who i am when i leave the country/talk to someone online.
i'm an age - 17 years, 1 month, 13 days and about 6 hours ago, i was born.
i'm a name - i was named after the Virgin Mary, as both my parents are Christians and Maarja is the equivalent of Mariah/Maria/Mary in Estonia.
i'm a student, and i actually love it! the school i go to is amazing (no matter what i write on here about the lit teacher... she is an exception).
i'm a friend, hopefully a good one.
i'm a daughter, and it's amazing to think that i've been taken care of since i was born by my parents. they've done so much, it's amazing.
i'm a daydreamer. i think i wrote in my first post that i love make-believe. it's fun. i make up stories, and then think them through while portraying different characters' point of view. (i do it alone, of course...)
i'm fragile, and i break easily. whilst this is not a good thing to be, then i'd rather be this than someone cold and harsh, who has made herself numb to all the pain, because if i was that, then i wouldn't feel joy, either, and i cannot live like that. life would be empty if i were like that.
i'm a thinker. i think and i think and i think, and then, maybe, i say it out loud. maybe this is another one of my flaws, but i'd rather be this than a person who says everything that she wants to, because i believe i save myself from a lot of trouble when not being like that.
i'm a writer. a developing one, but still. i'm a writer, and i'm desperately trying to rid myself of my writer's block.
i'm a reader. i just finished "I, Coriander" by Sally Gardner. go read it! it's amazing.
i'm depressed. i put on a happy face every single day, and sometimes i actually do feel happy, because telling everyone else you're happy actually makes you a bit happier. if you smile, then you become a bit happier, whether you like it or not. but yes, i have a problem, and i'm trying to fight to become free.
i'm lonely. so, so lonely sometimes, but i know i have people who care about me. (i hope)
i'm weak, and yet i'm strong. we all are a little bit of both. we're not meant to be perfect, we're meant to be human. it doesn't matter than i'm weak at running, because i'm never going to strive to be an athlete. what does matter, though, is that i love languages and am good at linguistics. what does it matter if i have a D in PE? it's just a letter of the alphabet. i'm going to try as hard as i can, and that's all i can do. not all people were made to be super-runners.
i'm confused. about life, about myself, about my friends, about my future... i'm just a very confused person.
i'm silly, especially when i'm hyper.
i'm crazy. i talk gibberish sometimes, and lose my thought the next second.
i'm cute.
i'm simple. i do not strive to be this super-rich and amazing princess. it would be lovely, but since it's not happening, then i'm going to stick to being myself, even if i am a bit simple, a bit boring sometimes.
i'm loving.

and the last thing? the one thing that people do tell me but what i have a hard time trying to believe myself?

i am beautiful.
i know i am.
i just need to know and believe in this more often.

what about you? who are you?

Friday, May 14, 2010

bye for a few days.

i'm going to another town in Estonia this weekend (today after school), and i probably won't be able to update my blog as i'm not taking my laptop with me, and i'm not sure if my best friend gives me the time to update on her laptop, hehe.
but i'm really excited, because there is this museum night tomorrow (Sat), which means we'll get into museums for free!
the thing, though, is that it only lasts for four hours, and we always look around for such a long time, so idk how many we'll get to visit, but i guess we'll see ;)
also, we're thinking of starting going to (cheaper) museums in the morning or afternoon, because we're not totally out of money... yet xD
i'll be back by Sunday evening ;)

also! i called the café where i want to work, and sent them an e-mail with my CV... fingers crossed!
(also sent it to two other cafés; the thing is that i only have one recommender, because i did it at home and couldn't really ask anyone, either... besides my aunt, because she has a different surname, haha)

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

what i loved today.

✮ it was amazing outside today!! so sunny and warm ♥ i spent my afternoon outside in my bikini & shorts, taking photos and playing with my little brother ~.~
✮ finding out i got an A in English
✮ drinking smoothies
✮ watching ANTM & Without a Trace
✮ old Russian & Japanese cartoons (Penguin Lolo!)

mori girls.

mori means 'forest' in Japanese, and mori girls are forest girl or fairy-like.
it's one of my favourite fashion styles from Japan (the other one being lolita), so i thought it'd be cute to post some photos.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

what i loved today.

✮ it was so warm and sunny today!
✮ i did pretty good on my Literature test -- let's hope for a good grade!!
✮ getting to teach some of the students in my class math -- it may be a bit annoying and time-consuming, but in the end, i feel happy if i can actually help someone understand something ~.~ even if it's something as nerdy and useless as math
✮ feeling like i did a good job on the essay i wrote -- you can read it in the previous post (the translation came out kind of crap though xD so i'm sorry if it seems like some pointless text; it was better in Estonian... gah)
✮these lovely photos:

Love - Strength or weakness?

Nietzsche, a theoretic of psychological egoism, has said, that love and compassion are weakness - the reason for all things evil; in his opinion, the person who survives others' compassion and spends his life in loneliness is the strong one.

Even though Nietzsche didn't grow up in an abusive family (especially if you count the fact that his father was a pastor), then I believe that the way people understand love has a strong link between how they were raised. It's pretty understandable when a person, who grew up in an abusive family, thinks of love as either a weakness or something that can me manipulated so that they could benefit from it. On the other hand, when a person has been raised in a family where the norms are more similar to today's ethical norms, then it's logical when he doesn't see love as a weak quality.

That, though, raises a question: why do so many people, who have grown up in a loving family, think of love as a bad thing? Why do many, who come from abusive families, think of it as something that gives them strength and makes them stronger?

Maybe the reason is that people are made to care about each other - otherwise, we wouldn't have survived, we wouldn't be reproducing if it wasn't for this. Of course there are people who cannot feel feelings like this, but the majority of human kind is still the ones who aren't socio- or psychopaths. Because of the same reason that people are made to care, they're also made to hope. We need to be hopeful that somebody loves us, that there is someone who wants to live the rest of their life with us. We need to know that even when the people around us are "bad" or "evil" at the moment, that even though they're making the wrong decisions at the moment, then they have the opportunity to change and re-start their lives. Maybe that's the reason why so many people who have had to go through a lot during growing up are still positive about love. They hope that their parent(s) will change, and even if that doesn't happen, then they think of their future, and how they're going to make the right decisions.

This, though, doesn't explain why some who come from loving families feel disgust towards love. One of the reasons may be that they feel as if people are suffocating them, rather than doing good. They might not want constant intimacy. People are different - some want to feel like they belong constantly, and because of that, try to make others feel the same as well. The people different from those, though, do not care that much for hanging out with others and they might not like when people are always around them, because they might not have enough time for themselves.

Analyzing all of this, it's still hard to say what love is - is it something that's supposed to help and console us, or is it something that will bring us down and make us notice others, when our goal should be to satisfy ourselves and grant our own wishes?

I'd like to approach love in a rather different way: in my opinion, the reason that we need love is what is a sign of weakness, not the feeling itself. If we're not in a relationship, then we're always trying to find reasons to pity ourselves: "Oh, poor, little me, Ī have no one to spend my days with. I have no one who loves me." On the other hand, if we are in a relationship, which is good and working, then we feel strong and positive. That is the reason why we shouldn't see love as a weakness, but as something that gives us the power to make important things happen.

Love, like everything, can still only be good when approached reasonably and rationally. If you approach it from a logical point of view, being understanding that a relationship is only possible when the one you're in love with feels the same way, then love can be one of the strongest and most positive feelings ever. A problem, though, might appear when people don't understand that: one possibility is that people start to pity themselves and that, inevitably, makes them weak. Another possibility is the feeling of anger, and if the person feeling it ceases to understand that s/he'll probably have more people to fall in love with in the future, then the anger towards love might grow even stronger. In extreme cases, the rejected person may try to regain the strength and power s/he had before, when s/he was still in love, and start to make decisions about his/her loved one's life. This, though, doesn't really help him/her regain the control; actually, it'll be even a bigger loss of it, because it won't end well and they won't get love back when doing this, anyway.

Even the Bible says that love is as strong as death; it also says that love is like a flame. These two comparisons help us realize even better, that love can be strong and invincible, but at the same time, if you cross the line, it may be very dangerous, destructive and strip the person of all of the power and strength s/he had. This is why people should stay within normalcy, and not go to extremes, because both loving love too much and hating love too much are harmful.

i'm a sleepyhead.

some songs for sleepy and lazy mornings/evenings

Sweet child o'mine - Taken by Trees
♫ Hide and Seek - Imogen Heap
♫ Must be dreaming - Frou Frou
Traffic Light - The Ting Tings
♫ Headlock - Imogen Heap
A&E - Goldfrapp

♫ Guns and Horses - Ellie Goulding
In these arms - The Swell Season
♫ Almost Lover - A Fine Frenzy
♫ Starry Eyed - Ellie Goulding
♫ Near to you - A Fine Frenzy
Your ex-lover is dead - Stars
♫ The Writer - Ellie Goulding
♫ Whisper - A Fine Frenzy

Sound of Silence - Simon & Garfunkel
Automation - Desireé Duvringe
Silver Strand - The Corrs
♫ Hoppípolla - Sigur Rós
♫ Saeglópur - Sigur Rós
♫ Glósóli - Sigur Rós

When you say nothing at all - Ronan Keating
Borrowed Heaven - The Corrs
Don't Panic - Coldplay
Breathe Me - Sia

Genius next door - Regina Spektor
Blue Lips - Regina Spektor
Wild World - Cat Stevens
Needs - Collective Soul

♫ Strawberry fields forever - The Beatles
In the cold light of morning - Placebo
♫ Across the Universe - The Beatles
♫ Hey Jude - The Beatles
Machines - Biffy Clyro
Centrefolds - Placebo

Looking back on today - The Ataris
Kuroi Namida - Tsuchiya Anna
Glitter in the air - P!nk
Fireflies - Owl City

Oborozukiyo~Inori - Nakashima Mika
Sakurairo maukoro - Nakashima Mika
Time to be your 21 - Alexz Johnson
Beautiful Love - The Afters

Something of an end - My Brightest Diamond
Gone Away - My Brightest Diamond

♫ You're tender and you're tired - Manic Street Preachers
♫ Nobody loved you - Manic Street Preachers
♫ The Everlasting - Manic Street Preachers
Dragonfly - My Brightest Diamond
♫ You came to me - Beach House

My manic and I - Laura Marling
Night Terror - Laura Marling

Other side of the world - KT Tunstall
Strangers - The Kinks

If you were a sailboat - Katie Melua
In my secret life - Katie Melua

Sweet Dreams - Wakeshima Kanon
Shiroi Kokoro - Wakeshima Kanon

Oh my love - John Lennon
Hallelujah - Jeff Buckley

|none of these photos are mine. they were all found on whi.|

♫ Flightless Bird, American Mouth - Iron & Wine
♫ Boy with a coin - Iron & Wine
♫ Carousel - Iron & Wine
High - James Blunt