Saturday, February 5, 2011


[the story. this is written by me, Maarja A, and even though i doubt many will actually see this, then please: do not use without credit to this site; do not re-post as your own; if you want to use then please ask my permission. also, please excuse my little knowledge for the daily life and use of language during the time.]

May 13, 1875
Dearest Reuben,
I'm writing to let you know that my health is still fluctuating. I wanted to thank you for writing to me and caring about this issue. Please know that all you've done to help me is greatly appreciated, as there are few kind people left in my life. Ever since the truth came out, our family and myself have been shunned by our relatives and now former friends. It came to me as a surprise since people have always taken notice of my opinion and our family has always gotten many thank-you-notes for our generosity, but I guess that is how small-minded people really are in today's society - unable to understand that people who help others are just people as well.
Nevertheless my situation, I still try to stay positive and enjoy life as much as possible before my doctor arrives - he shall be here from the beginning of September. I can only hope he won't distract my studies.
It has been especially warm and sunny here, and it is only May! The countryside is as beautiful as ever, and I've visited many of our lands with my horses thanks to this. I wish to invite you and your family to join us! I will be writing to Sophie as well, so make sure to discuss these plans with her. In any case, whenever your visit, the hoses await for you to return.
Please give all my best to your parents and siblings,
Your dear friend,

May 13, 1875
Dear Sophie,
How have you been? I've been missing your companion recently. As you know, I have been the main subject of Driffield recently, and to be quite honest, then it is wearing me out. It saddens me to see all my former friends turning against me, especially as I'm to be hold responsible for it happening. We are taught to love each other and to forgive, but I still feel as if them not being on speaking terms with me is my fault. I've made them sin by sinning and I will forever feel guilty because of this.
Anyhow, enough on the subject. If I want to hear about this I might as well just go to town. I hope you and your family are well. It has been incredibly warm around her recently, and I wish to invite you all here! Please take notice that I'm also sending a letter to your brother, so make sure to discuss this with him.
Also, how has it been between you and James? My parents are still smitten by him and all he's accomplished. The last time I had a conversation with them, they said they are truly happy for you. My mother won't stop saying she needs to find someone like him for me. I have to agree with all they've said. he truly seems like a gentleman. To be quite honest, I think he is the one for you. Remember you said you wanted someone with travel memoirs and a sense of humour? I still laugh every time I think of all the stories he told us about France. I hope everything is going well between you and him.
Please give my best to your family and let them know they've been invited,
Your true friend for always,

May 23, 1875
Dear Katherine,
How have you been? I hope you've heard your daughter has invited us to the countryside, otherwise she'll be putting both our families in an embarrassing situation with half of the household not knowing about our visit. We should arrive on June 15, just in time for evening tea. I hope it is alright for us to be visiting, knowing about your daughter's condition.
To be honest, I cannot imagine what you must be going through at this very moment, but I believe you're in desperate need of nonjudgmental companionship. May-be our arrival will help rise your family's reputation. In any case, be sure that we are not coming to cause more trouble. I hope your daughter can understand how lucky she is to have found a friend in Sophie who has no place for cruel thoughts in her mind and who has been preparing many get-well packages for your daughter.
Speaking of Sophie, you are all invited to her wedding on August 30. I cannot describe how pleased I was when my husband told me about James coming to see him to ask for Sophie's hand in marriage. She is very excited as well and is going to give you the invitations in person.
All the best to you and Mr. Hemingsworth,
Your long-time friend,

May 23, 1875
Dearest Henriette,
Thank you for your letter! It brings me happiness to know you are well enough to write again. In this small package, you will find some handicraft by me and the finest tea I could find in London. Mother says I shan't waste money like this but my mind was set on it and I refused to give in to her. I hope you enjoy all you find here.
I've been very well, thank you for asking. My date of marriage has been set for August 30, and I of course wish for you to be my maid of honour. We can discuss the details when I arrive in Sledmere, which should be on June 15.
I cannot describe how happy I am at the moment, my dear Henriette. James seems so nice, and what a lovely house he has! I cannot wait to show it to you. I am very happy to know you and the rest of your family approve of him as much as you do - it really means a lot to me to know you find him a proper gentleman.
Please be well,
Your true friend for always,

June 2, 1875
Doctor Harvey,
This is Katherine Hemingsworth. I am writing to ask for your advice once more. My daughter's childhood friend is getting married and asked my daughter, Henriette, to be her maid of honour. This of course means she'll be going to London to help them organise everything for the wedding. All would be well if I wasn't worried about her health. Please let me know your opinion as soon as possible, for my daughter is to leave sometime in June.
Thank you in advance,
Mrs. Katherine Hemingsworth

June 2, 1875
Dear Charlotte,
I wish to congratulate you, Mr. Bryant and the rest of your family on this happy occasion! Your daughter deserves the best and it looks as if James really is the one for her.
I await for your arrival,
Your long-time friend,

June 2, 1875
Dear Sophie,
Thank you for the package! The herbal tea you sent me is delicious. I drink it once a week, on Saturdays. I also appreciate the doilies you crocheted - they truly are like masterpieces!
Congratulations to you and James! I would love to be your maid of honour, but I have to await for the doctor's approval. Mother said he would answer sometimes in June. I hope he approves, as I cannot imagine not attending my truest friend's wedding.
To be quite honest, I still cannot believe you're getting married! You're only two years older than me, yet you already have a groom. I hope to get some luck from you when we meet again, because I really have to find someone soon.
I'll be awaiting for your arrival,
Your friend for always,

June 15, 1875
Mrs. Hemingsworth,
It is incredible how dedicated you are to your daughter and I hope she realises this as well. As for the trip: it might do her good to be in a different scenery for a while. If she is the least bit appropriate, she will try not to make the household worry about her and might try to recover on her own.
Always at your service,
Doctor Lucian Harvey

July 1, 1875
Dearest father and mother,
I am now in London where it is even hotter than in Yorkshire. The wedding preparations are going well. It has been hectic but very exciting and fun. Just like all the Bryants assured, Sir James Hunter's house is lovely and quite big when compared to other houses in London. I already told Sophie that at least that they won't have to move in the future.
Please know I am well. The Bryants are very discreet even here, at their own house, for which I must be forever grateful. I do not know any statistics on myself at the moment, for they won't let me use the scale, even with someone else around, but they're encouraging me every day, just like you both do at home. It is pleasant to find someone who cares this much after all I've been through in Driffield.
Mother, like you asked, I will write to the doctor today as well and ask if he is free to see me sometime before the wedding.
I hope you both are well. Please give my best to Eleonore, Eaton and Hedwig as well.

July 1, 1875
Doctor Harvey,
This is Henriette Hemingsworth. I am writing to ask if you have time for an appointment sometime in July as I am in London at the moment. I know you will be joining us to take full care of me in September, but my parents wished for you to keep an eye on me. If you have time, please respond to this letter.
Thank you in advance,
Ms. Henriette Hemingsworth

July 15, 1875
Ms. Hemingsworth,
It is good to hear from you. I am pleased to find you are taking this seriously as well. Unfortunately I do not have any free appointments at this time.
Instead, I advise you to try and eat as normally as possible. Make sure you get a lot of vegetables and fruit for they are not available during winter and because of that we must gather as much from them as possible. Also, eat meat or fish at least once a day and go for walks as much as possible. From what I've gathered from your mother, you are busy at the moment, but your healthy must not be forgotten.
Take care,
Doctor Lucian Harvey

stuck between two opposite sides of failure.

my mind is split in two. on one side, there's the healthy thoughts, the need to get better. on the other side, though, there's the ever-growing need to succeed in self-destruction.

i've written this so many times already, to people i know (online) and to my own journals. whenever i begin defining the meaning of failure, the short paragraph above finds its way in.
it's true, i suppose.

i am opening up journals and notebooks i haven't touched in a while. this is why there's so many short, odd posts on here today. this has become my only safe place, the place where i can post my visions of my life. my true life.

i feel as if i'm someone on MTV's True Life. i actually like that series - some episodes of it, anyway.

yes. this is my true life.
what is it, though?
my life, that is.
my true life.

the reason i feel especially stuck today is because i'm opening up journals and notebooks i haven't touched in a while, like i previously mentioned, and i'm seeing contradictory writings.

throughout my issues, i've contradicted myself.

i opened up a journal that's been through many changes.

the first page has New Year's Resolutions for the Year 2009:
STOP. Look at what you're doing. It may seem hard right now, but one day, you'll be strong enough to stop your self-destructive behaviour. Move towards that day, not away from it.
THINK. It goes deeper than food. Think and find the real reason for your behaviour. Once you've found it, you can take care of this problem.
PRAY. God is there for you. He is always there - in the good times and in the bad times. pray to Him, ask for His help, and He will help you.
LISTEN. The others are just trying to help you. They know what you're going through - take their advice. It's as hard for them as it is for you. They know all those feelings. Don't pusk them away.
TELL. Don't over-worry. They will believe you. You have to tell them because if you don't it'll only get worse. Tell and get help!

pages two to nine and seventeen to twenty consist of (food) diaries, the constant fight between the two sides of my mind. there are the numbers, the calories consumed and burned. there are the contradictory diary entries about not trying hard enough, yet wanting parents to find out so i wouldn't have to tell them myself. there are the Bible verses at the end of each day's entry.

God says, "Things are going to get worse before they get better. But don't worry. I'll keep you alive through the whole business."
Jeremiah 45:4-5

My counsel is this: Live freely, animated and motivated by God's Spirit. They you won't feed the compulsions of selfishness. Choose to be led by the Spirit and so escape the erratic compulsions of a law-dominated existence.
Galatians 5:16,18

David told God: "I'd rather be punished by God, whose mercy is great.
2Samuel 24:14

God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.
Psalm 46:1

When I kept it all inside, my bones turned to powder, my words became daylong groans. The pressure never let up; All the juices in my life dried up.
Psalm 32:3-4

pages ten to sixteen are filled with to-do lists: places to visit, places i have visited, concerts to visit, things to do.

pages twenty-one to thirty-two are devoted to songs written about eating disorders or songs that can be read as ED-songs (when you try, it's almost every love song, really): Coldplay, Morcheeba, Smashing Pumpkins, Metallica, Sonic Youth, Avril Lavigne, Depece Mode, Shampoo, Filter, Lisa Loeb, The Carpenters, Alanis Morissette, Fiona Apple, Animotion, Eels.

there's an iPod shuffle survey on pages thirty-three to thirty-five.

there's a list of one hundred things to know about women on pages thirty-seven to fourty-six; little hearts next to some numbers show my agreement.

there are gives me hope stories on pages fourty-six to fourty-seven. i love gives me hope stories.

there are eight most satisfying simple pleasures life has to offer on pages fourty-eight to fourty-nine; little hearts next to some numbers show i've had the opportunity to experience such and such pleasure.

finally, pages fifty to fifty-seven are once again devoted to my issues. i started a story i haven't followed through with (yet). it's a story of a girl in the 19th century who falls ill when she refuses to eat. the story consists of hand-written letters sent back and forth between the girl, her friends and family. there are eleven quite short letters, sent between Reuben, Henriette Hemingsworth, Sophie, Katherine (Henriette's mother), Charlotte (Reuben's & Sophie's mother) and Doctor Lucian Harvey. this post is a bit too long already so i'll refrain from posting the existing story to this post. perhaps the next one?

there are no more entries in this journal.

this journal describes my situation near-perfectly: there are two sides of me within me.
the reason i've failed both those sides?
reason number one: it was december 2008 when i wanted tell someone. i still haven't told anyone. i've made a promise to God, to Lisette, to other people that i'll tell someone, yet i haven't.
reason number two: it was december 2008 when i decided on my (unhealthy, self-destructive) goal. after two years, i haven't even reached that (permanently, that is), let alone my new goal.

do the math.

[this was found in my last year's math notebook; written sometime last year, quite obviously, and inspired by Manic Street Preachers' "She bathed herself in a bath of bleach"]

she'd walk on broken glass for love.

no matter what the others said - she knew he could change. he would change, she told herself every single day, trying hard to believe it, knowing deep inside that in reality, he never would.

her subconscious was right. he never did.

when, one morning, she finally seemed to wake from her utopia, it was too late. there was no one to turn to anymore, nowhere to go to get help.

she was stuck, alone in a mess her fantasies had created.

all she wanted was to get away. all she wanted was a new chance at life.

it was too late for her now.

she had already pushed away the chair wobbling beneath her feet.

untouched journals.

[this is what happens when you open a journal you haven't touched in more than a month]

every single time you see her fragile body, you cringe:
her arms;
thighs that are miles away from touching;
sunken cheeks and eyes;
everything looks like a symbol of death. it's as if the myth of vampires, of the undead is true, only in this case, eating is prohibited.

every single time you see her, you wonder how she's still alive. she looks like an old person on the verge of a collapse or a heart attack while in reality, she is still in her teens. she should be enjoying herself, going out with friends, laughing, but these things are far from her reality, which consists of tears, screaming, wasting away, constant calculations and arguing with oneself.

every single time to see her, you try to guess how much time she has left to be in this world. as her condition deteriorates, the number of days in your head decreases:
half a year;
three months;
a month;
a fortnight;
any day now.
she could be gone any day now, but this is not your biggest concern.

every single time you see her, you wonder how many days and pounds until you look as lovely and fragile as she does.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

just another sleepy day...

this is what i enjoyed most about today:
✮ writing an essay - the topics sucked and i am not that happy about the outcome (i chose "A person between choices" as my topic and wrote a very... politically correct essay on why regular people should not be putting politicians down because if they were given the power then they'd mess up sometimes again... all this while being one of the people not interested in politics at all and the one to diss politicians a lot... lol), but i always like writing
✮ hematogen - bought it again today! so yummy~
✮ pickled cucumber - made macaroni salad with it
✮ philosophy test went well - A/B, hopefully?
✮ sleep - as the title says, this has been a very sleepy day and i'm happy to be home now so i can once go to sleep at a normal time (it's 9pm; i already slept two hours, though, from 6 to 8pm)

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

one morning, the wind will take you with him...

i feel this odd hurt growing inside me. perhaps i'm slow, perhaps it's the grief.

i keep telling myself i have no reason, no right at all, to feel this grief. i keep telling myself i didn't know her so i should just stop thinking and talking about her and let her be in peace. it doesn't matter others talk, write, think about her, feel her presence, because they should - she knew them personally. i met her once or twice, i was the friend's friend, i was the six-years-younger-cousin her friend, for some reason, got to so well along with.

but every time i write the word well, whichever meaning it has at the time, i think about her and the cold, cold water.

maybe i am slow. maybe i am just now understanding what kind of loss people are experiencing. this bright mind, they say. why this bright mind have to go, why her, who had so many opportunities ahead of her? they ask. maybe i am fully taking it in now.

i can't help but feel inconsiderate because of this.

i want to call my best friend but i'm afraid. i don't know how to talk to her, haven't known how in quite a long time already, but now, especially. what do i say? i keep on wondering what i should talk to her about. i want to ask her if she's going to the wake, but i'm worried she'll somehow take it the wrong way (which way is the wrong way? i'm not too sure, yet i'm still worried).

one morning,
the wind
will take you with him,
to the shore,
where you'll everyday
see the sun.
a look to the world,
the ones who remained of you,
on the two sides of the road,
are still there.
one dawn,
the wind
will take with him the ones
who have waited all night long...
[translation of "Maantee" by Dagö]

i hope she's happy.